“”The rays were reflected, glistening against the leaves as he walked alone amidst people he had nothing in common with.
Undoubtedly, if the path was known before it was chosen when a choice was to be made, I do not know if I would have chosen the same path””
It seems never in our grasp as human beings to fathom the intellect and experience that we attain throughout our lives. Undermining our own decisions when restricted to closed places leads us to increase our doubts in everything and increase our surety in only our lack of surety. A man set in a basement long enough will inevitably be unsure of the sky being blue for the only certainty he has of this fact is the memory of his certainty at a point in the past. As the past slowly dissolves, the man questions his knowledge, questions his questioning, and ends up splitting every possible factor into an even likelihood, ridiculous as that may seem outside of the box.
Putting myself through such an ordeal has been a unique experience in my life. Although I can not claim that I did what I did for purely desire less reasons, I find myself feeling content with the outcome, even though the outcome is not yet known. It is the views of the path, the knowledge and survival skills attained while climbing the path that make it a content trip, even without resolution.
As I write this, I become aware of turning a corner in my life. This does not come as a surprise for the last few months have been monumental in the removal of impurities from my life, and I was aware that monumental things would occur in the time to come. But I realize that the central difference between this torturous and painful process as opposed to every one that I have in memory is my stubborn desire to experience it. Not just experience it, but walk this path in as difficult a way that I could. I did not control my reactions, but I did control the stimulus I took in, and I only became aware of this now, as the path nears its conclusion.
Had I breathed in this knowledge during the path, I likely would not have pursued it or learnt anything from it for it would have seemed mundane and far too difficult. The need to fool myself into believing that it was as un-escapable as it was entirely necessary (and well played out. Good job brain.)
I come back to the large difference between this experience and those before it. I had no control over them. They occurred to me, and I attempted to survive them. They molded me and could have possibly altered my life in brutal ways that I would never recover from. This experience would have ended the moment the path ended. If too much was at risk, if too much abuse was suffered, if there were too many victims then it would have naturally aborted and I see that now, because I feel the ease at which my life is complete without the plaguing thoughts and doubts and needs that seemed to consume me while in the path. I now realize that many of the fears I held weren’t in regards to the conclusion, but rather the path ending prematurely due to an unforeseen circumstance or an abuse pushed too far.
Being as learned as my sub-conscious mind seems to be, perhaps it is time I gave it more respect and took pride in my natural instincts, which are fed from my silent thought mechanism. It has arbitrated teaching me lessons now, and is now able to protect me given any outcome of the lesson. I feel as if it is attached to this gear that churns with the rest of the world, and as I arbitrate the future, I am not only turning my gears, but forcing others to change as well. I feel like those I touch become livened by the ability for them to change their lives for the better, to learn their lessons, to strengthen their souls.
It is the silent joy only a free man can experience. A man who has freed himself of vices. Who has knowledge and ability to communicate the method of removing vices from others, freeing their souls so they may soar. With such fortunate events leading me to the mound I am on now, it seems impossible for me to not try to pull everyone I can out of their own holes of insecurity.
These brief interludes of contentment and peace, and certainty, make me more aware of my missions in life. Lucid moments like these with absolutely no doubts are reality, and I choose not to remain in such states for long periods of time for nothing can be learnt by examining the achievements of past. Yet, after every time of turmoil, it seems necessary to become suddenly aware of the world outside our own little worlds.
There are two personalities within me, most certainly separate in their habits, fears, doubts, goals and awareness’. One Moe experiences existence as a weak, fearful, needy, insecure, and unsure persona, while the other Moe watches over his weak sibling with a seemingly omnipresent view of things, perpetually strengthening both their abilities to love the innocence within all creatures. One Moe empathizes with the horrendous nature of pain, fear and evil, and the other learns from such experiences first-hand, thereby determining the original shape of all disfigured creatures, and loving them for what they really are.
It is this innate ability and undying desire to increase the strength of this ability that drives who I am. It can be found in my eyes during a silent moment, when I will look at you and see your shape.
It’s the ability that can make me breath, feel, see, sense and live life the way I am living, and for that I’ grateful.
~A spoken word is a moment. A written word is eternal~