” I want to break Free “
Mmm…so you want to be free from those emotional ties that hold you.
You want to experience the freedom and confidence that comes with purely independent, loving yourself and everything you create, and single mindlessly pursuing those goals and passions that live within you. You want to feed those passions and have the freedom to be unstable, which requires stability. So what you are doing is trying to make as much money as possible so that your natural physical entity is not threatened. That is the priority, because you need to eat, sleep, and even your passions require funds to operate and be fully realized.
Well then what is the problem? It sounds like you have everything under control and that you are doing as you want to. But the problem is something interrupts me as I try to engage my full force and find that freedom to be eccentric. What is that? I suppose the necessity of something that has been missing and goes missing. Once in a while I find something that fills that, but one by one they come and fail, and then I am dropped in a river where the waves are flocculating, and I can work when they permit me to reach the flat plateau, but then they come and sweep me off my feet and I’m flowing back and forth again.
I can try to work, I can try to operate during these times but the keyboard is always moving, and I miss keys, and even when I think I’m typing properly my glasses are smudged with water which then reveals that I was pressing the wrong keys. And during those brief moments of stability on my plateau I quickly, like the wind, undo all the mistakes and try to get in as much work as is possible but the time is limited. Once I sleep, the waves creep up on me.
Once I am hungry, the land becomes flooded. Once I am horny, once I am lonely, once I am nostalgic or betrayed, they come and begin to move me, and I can feel my focus, my vibe, my frequency, I can feel it blur as I fall out of a perfectly still motion into a wavy distorted motion, my entity shaking. I can’t focus on anything, and even if I focus, I see it from the top of a wave, making it look minute, or from the bottom of a crevice, which makes it totally unreachable.
So I am trying to swim, I am trying to see if there is even a method of swimming. If I can wade and try to consciously get through these waves, to lessen them, to reduce their effect, I don’t even know if I will actually find land.
And through time passing, wavering in and out, I encounter another stable plateau, because I need it so. And it is there, stable, flat, and I can sit, and the waves are down, staring at me, and I smile at them because I am on a plateau that cannot be shaken.
But again the plateau dissolves and the waves grin at me, and I stare at them in terror, wide eyed, and all I say is “Oh no.” And they attack with a vengeance for me mocking them, for me being confident that I can survive them, that I can sit on my surface and work and be still and achieve what I need to do to be happy. Happy. Happy with my life, happy, content, achieved. They come in and destroy everything I have built, because I built a house, a chair, a table, and a life on this plateau. But it is gone, as is everything that gave me security that the waves would never return to haunt me.
And then asked sarcastically: ” & Once you are free? ”
Once I am free, I will be on a mountain top, and the waves will angrily bash against my surface, trying to rock me and I will smile at them, because they are like children, wanting to prove their strength. And I will freely carry with me my confidence as I dive into them. And they will welcome me, for the first time ever, because I came willingly to them. They will smile at me and allow me to see beautiful things and horrible things, and span the entire vastness that is existence. I will feel emotions that are not of this world, either in heaven or hell, and the waves will graciously lead me back to my tower where I will reflect in complete sobriety at the experiences I just felt. I will stare at the waves and love them, and they will welcome me, because I can now choose to be a part of them without letting their childishness destroy me.
~!~ A spoken Word is a Moment. A written Word is Eternal ~!~