Ever thought… (Part 1)
“My vanity is not remotely physical, it is cerebral. I suppose feeling self-conscious might be a form of vanity, though”
So, it’s the weekend again, another series of off days that I have absolutely no work to do or anything to occupy myself with other than just riding my wagon of thoughts and roaming through valleys of the mind searching for the holy chalice of ultimate knowledge.
“Mmmm…that was a bit too much, huh??”
Aaahh well, who will judge me anyway for the cliché wording? 😛
Right now, I am taking a break from watching that episode of “Mental” and playing-back some good tracks of Lena chamamyan and B.B king to smooth-en my mood a bit….its been time since i last wrote something ragged & deep, guess its time for another one.
So let me ask you,
…….Have ya ever thought before, “Why am I so completely consumed, to the point of physical anxiety and disability, by what people will think of me and how the world perceives me?”
I never admit that it’s true because I exhibit traits that oppose it – I am able to be firm with people at times. I was going to say confident but as I run through my memories, I can’t really claim confidence. Perhaps it was confidence in the preconceived idea of how the confrontation should proceed, but no real confidence simply because it is me confronting someone else.
I am confident about my predictions of how the conversation should proceed but without that prediction I would be unable to confront. I have done so on occasion and I feel very helpless, I feel shaky and unnerved and I know that there is something wrong because it just feels like I’m angry and speaking anger.
There have been very rare occasions where I was both angry and certain in my confrontation, but these were unique moments when I had been driven so far back due to neglect and abuse that the seeming confidence I had was really more an act of desperation and self-preservation…It shouldn’t come to that.
At least I am a bit relived and contented that at least some of my morality is based on a genuine source.
But there are some thoughts… pertaining to how people are thinking about me… that consume me. I will list a few of them below:
– When someone deems me insensitive, irresponsible, or selfish.
– When someone deems me cheap, manipulative, corrupt, or dishonest.
– When someone deems me weak and takes advantage of that weakness.
– When someone feels they successfully tricked me or conned me and got the better of me.
– When someone is incompetent to show enough human moral and decency.
Now I’m fairly certain that if I read the above list and it wasn’t about me, I’d know immediately what the individual should do to fix themselves.
But because it is me, I cannot do that. This is because I fear what answers may exist, and am in fact unwilling to partake in some of them.
Whenever such a situation arises (the unwillingness to take certain steps) I cannot think past certain courses of action because I fear them too much. As a result, my analysis of the situation always results in a standstill where I always have 5 different options that are always available, but not really available.
So I look around me for other answers and other solutions. And after exhausting them I come back to where I am now. Where the threshold of pain I suffer on a daily basis because of the problem I have begins to increase. And as it increases, magically, my willingness to partake in one of those five options begins to increase. And as more pain is suffered, my willingness towards the rest of the options begins to magically open up.
And then, some moment later, magically, I will see so clearly and know so definitely what the solution is, and by that time I’ve already implemented it.
There’s a very encouraging observation right there – that when you have removed these external “solutions” from the equation and the pain threshold begins to increase, all you need to do is experience the pain. Slowly, options after option begin to open and eventually, you automatically slide into the right one. But the key is that you don’t ever have to do anything except experience the pain.
By the time you recognize what needs to be fixed and done, your mind has already done it. That’s what’s encouraging – that once you get to this point it’s not an external world event or circumstance that has to change, it’s just your mind. And with the change of your mind, the correct choice will have been made, and then you will be free of the problem.
My problem is being self-conscious…..!!
~A spoken word is a moment. A written word is eternal~