Ever thought… (Part 2)
My problem is being self-conscious….
I am self-conscious that, everyone Else’s thoughts are so loud and deafening that I’ve almost completely forgotten how to listen to myself, and now I only hear myself in manifested representations of my own mind – through anger, or sadness, or physical pain, But never simply a communication anymore.
I never receive communications, and even when i do they seem so meaningless – and that’s why it stops sending and I stop receiving because I simply do not value the communications coming from me more than I do the ones coming from the outside world.
This is my problem.
A viable solution, therefore, is actively monitoring and preventing the mind from giving weight to the communications from the outside world. You see, the problem is that the outside world is too loud, not that my own communications are too quiet. If I lessen the volume on the outside world, I will begin to hear myself more.
But somehow my life revolves around listening and giving weight to the outside world, and that’s where this pain arises. Giving weight to the outside world has punished me, from as far back as I can remember. This is what the song was reminding me of – times two decades ago when I heard the outside voices and silenced my own. And as i see that, I am filled with sadness. And as I see it now still, it fills me with sadness.
And this sadness, this pain, is the first and last step. The required step. I must build a threshold of pain so that the option of not giving weight to the outside world becomes viable to me. Because even though I logically speak of such things and even try to imagine such things, the truth is, making that decision, somehow, is not something I am yet willing to do.
So I must suffer at the hands of the outside world, more, more pain, more pain, more pain. And as the pain begins to drive me mad, I will either choose insanity or make that decision. A moment will come where I will sit and suddenly a shiver will overcome me and suddenly, the decision will have been made. Once the pain overbears me and consumes me and is represented in my tears, my isolation, my self-loathing and pain, once I recognize how much I have suffered throughout my life just as i suffer now, each moment it continues will be like a nail in my skin.
And this will heighten my readiness to make that difficult decision. And somehow I will then know why it was so difficult – because someone punished me repeatedly for trying to make that decision in the past. That someone is no longer in my life, because I am alone. And although that person is no longer in my life, somehow their shadow still looms over me. And so I must suffer the pain of their shadow to face it, and I will discover it is just a shadow and the giant that they were when they first began to punish me was gone so long ago…
You see, they were always right, and i was always wrong. Their shadow over me while they stood over me taught me that the shadow means I must concede. So although I stood tall initially, they stood taller. And as soon as i felt that dark wave of disapproval cover me, I bent down and conceded. And now, whether I am a giant or simply a man, I am surrounded by everything from a fly to God, and these creatures cast a shadow of submission over me. They cast it over me because I approach them bent over, ready to accept their disapproval.
And so if I stop moving towards making these shadows happy so they will leave me alone, they will sit, stagnant, over me. And I will be in darkness – the most terrifying darkness I know to exist. And I will shrink, and cower, and cry.
This may not be useful when you must genuinely succumb to the giants that cast shadows over you, who have the power to discipline you in ways other than disapproval. But when all they are shadows, and I fear not them but the shadows, with enough cowering, crying, isolation and terror, perhaps I will recognize that shadows truly can no longer hurt me – because as I say that, I see that I truly believe they can.
And the ultimate question is, why does it persist in me? If the shadows are all just shadows, and no real threat exists, why do I fear the disapproval so much?
It is not that I fear disapproval so much. It is that I desire light. And when these shadows are satisfied, they move out of the way and I feel the light of confidence. But my access to that confidence is then rooted in my ability to remove their disapproval of me – if one were to remain stubborn it would permanently limit my ability to access confidence (in some way or another).
People will always attempt to place shadows over me – this is the way of the world. I believe the only way to remove these shadows is compliance, because as a child this was the only option. So I have been trained to perceive that compliance is the one and only option. I have been taught that rebellion will always result in wasted energy, more pain, and a longer route to confidence. That conceding is the quickest way to get to the light.
This is unacceptable. All I have to do is stand up and see that at long last……………………. I am just as tall.
~A spoken word is a moment. A written word is eternal~