Insecurity & Implications (Scene 1)
Now let’s start with the first flame & fear…
Fear 1: Guilt
Description: The process of regretting one’s motives due to pain caused to another.
Correct Cause: Causing someone pain for one’s own selfish fulfillment or neglect. The person affected is generally more vulnerable to you than you are to them.
Incorrect Cause: Vulnerability to a person that is not aware of your level of vulnerability. As a result, they project their own fears unto you, making you believe you are worse than you really are.
Case Study Conditioning: From a youth I was quite different from the family that surrounded me. My professional goals, social desires, and monetary habits were offensive to my family and in an effort to control my actions I was made to feel guilty for being the way I was.
When I rebelled such attempts, I was physically, monetarily or emotionally punished in a further attempt to condition me to abide by their desires. Over time I grew to be independent of my family in an emotional, economic, and social sense.
Psychological Effect: Although I no longer fear my family I am constantly reminded of my history as a youth. I constantly yearn to be able to be weak and vulnerable but all such attempts result in abuses. I naturally fear being vulnerable to people because I fear they will make me feel guilty about my actions and therefore question my motives, morally. When I refuse to feel guilty, they will punish me emotionally to the point where I will no longer be affected by them.
Footnote: As I write this I am filled with disdain, anger, and a feeling of desolate failure. This is because although I fear being vulnerable, I constantly yearn to be safely vulnerable. The fact that this is becoming more and more of a distant possibility is pushing me to a point where I will change, and no longer expect it.
~A spoken word is a moment. A written word is eternal~